June 7, 2011 · 3:06 pm

Googling Myself

I didn’t do any cooking last night. I worked out and then spent the rest of the evening splayed out on the couch, either reading or watching TV or both. It was fantastic. But tonight I’ll be attempting a recipe (or two, I guess, since Gwyneth is so good at splitting recipes up so they count for more than one. Which makes both our jobs easier, frankly). Which means, as far as today is concerned, I have nothing interesting to report.

But I would like to take a moment to say that my favorite part of this blog (aside from all of you, of course) is getting to see what Google searches end up leading people here. Here are some of my favorites:

  • gwyneth paltrow spain obnoxious
  • blythe danner grandma?
  • how to keep homemade ravioli fresh till you use it
  • julie powell [Yes! Poached one of her fans!]
  • cardboard desks
  • where to buy vegenaise in london [Oh boy, I feel your pain.]
  • cannot find duck bacon – can i use pork bacon
  • gwinneth & pizza! enjoy! [This is my absolute favorite. Who Googles like this?]
  • duck bacon in portland or [Is there a fellow Portlander seeking duck bacon out there? Contact me! Let’s work together!]
  • danny and hwyneth [There are about a million variations on her name, but this is my favorite.]
  • gwyneth smug

I think that sums up the Project nicely.

7 Comments

Filed under Gwyneth Miscellania, Non-Gwyneth

June 6, 2011 · 11:20 am

Spaghetti Alla Vongole: A Harbor in the Storm

Things have been pretty negative around here lately, huh? Between the horrors of locating duck bacon (although I am beginning to enjoy the bewildered looks I get when I ask grocers and butchers, “Do you know anywhere I can find duck bacon?”) and the sheer amount of time it takes to complete a single recipe, let alone track down the ingredients, I had all but given up on “My Father’s Daughter.” And then, Spaghetti Alla Vongole arrived. Just when I think I’m out, they pull me back in. Continue reading →

10 Comments

Filed under Pasta

June 3, 2011 · 11:27 am

Tarra-gone? (Ugh, Sorry.)

This will be quick and easy and boring, but it’s my first Gwyneth Paltrow breakfast recipe, which is kind of exciting, no? Actually, not that exciting. This stuff was kind of bland. But let’s get it over with: Artichoke & Parmesan Frittata! Continue reading →

5 Comments

Filed under Breakfast

June 1, 2011 · 10:54 am

Good Morning, Vietnam(ese Prawn Sandwiches)!

Yesterday’s experiment in homemade sriracha wasn’t simply a fun way to see how long you can make your hands feel like they’re on fire; it was actually part of a much longer, much more complicated culinary ordeal, courtesy of Gwyneth (sidenote: did you know Gwyneth is on Twitter now? Say hi to her! Also, thanks to everyone who immediately alerted me. When you get a ton of emails about something as banal as Gwyneth Paltrow joining Twitter, you really start to question the choices you’ve made in life). Anyway: Friday evening was devoted to Vietnamese Prawn Sandwiches.

I don’t know what makes these sandwiches Vietnamese (soy sauce and pickled carrots, I guess?), but Gwyneth says they are, so THEY ARE. No more questions! The first step is to spend two hours making homemade sriracha. Yiiiikes. Of course, you can do this in advance, but if, like me, you haven’t made any homemade sriracha yet, this means you will be spending nearly four hours on a fucking sandwich. These better be good, right? Continue reading →

10 Comments

Filed under Asian, Burgers & Sandwiches

May 31, 2011 · 11:47 am

Homemade Sort-of-Sriracha

And we’re back! Over Memorial Day weekend, I managed to knock out three recipes, so stay tuned for lots of cooking posts. Today, however, we’re starting with a simple one: Lee’s Homemade Sriracha. This was actually the recipe I was most intrigued by when I first paged through the cookbook (oh, how innocent and naive I was back then), and I had been eagerly awaiting my chance to try it out. Well, Friday was that day. WAS THE WAIT WORTH IT? Read on! Continue reading →

16 Comments

Filed under Basics

May 26, 2011 · 3:58 pm

The Fourth Week Slump

Guys, I’ve been awful this week at cooking. Just miserable. I’m sorry. We’re almost at the one-month point, and I’ve hit a wall. I know it’s bad when my friend Ali harasses me to “knock some recipes out,” when I know she doesn’t even CARE about this project. I don’t even have any decent excuses, is the worst part. But that won’t stop me from trying to come up with some: I’m frustrated at the impossibility of locating half the ingredients now that I’ve completed most of the easy recipes; twice this week I’ve come home from work to a roommate cooking something for me, giving me the luxury of not having to do anything; and also I’m just really, really lazy.

I don’t really want to go into the trials and tribulations of duck bacon so much AGAIN, because who wants to read two posts in a row about duck bacon? Let’s just say it’s still not going well, but I will be doing my damndest this weekend to try to hunt some down. Many commenters have suggested settling for pork or even turkey bacon (except for the LUNATIC who suggested I make my own duck bacon – you, sir, are almost as sadistic as Gwyneth). I’m torn on the matter of Bacon Substitution. On the one hand, Gwyneth does say pork and turkey are suitable alternatives to duck bacon. On the other hand, I don’t want to settle. The recipes are written for duck bacon, and I want to try them as close to the original recipes as possible. Plus, let’s admit it, no one wants to read about a guy who goes shopping at one grocery store, gets everything he needs, and makes a mediocre dish. I’m torturing myself for the sake of your entertainment. Or at least that’s what I’ll be screaming from a straightjacket in a couple months.

But the good news is that I finally got my birthday presents from my parents, and it’s a ton of cooking supplies! My mom actually went to Barnes & Noble and wrote down all the “essential tools” Gwyneth lists in the front of her cookbook, thinking she would get me a lot of them, which is awesome. And then, she said, she brought the list to a store, and no one had heard of half of the tools. So now she hates Gwyneth. GO FIGURE. Everything’s fine and dandy when you’re watching her dancing on Glee or accepting Academy Awards, but the second anyone cracks this cookbook, all goodwill flies out the window. The woman is some sort of culinary psychological torture genius.

These are dark, dark days for the Project. We’ll get out of this slump eventually. What’s that old saying? “When you fall off the blog, get back in the kitchen?” Yeah, that sounds like a real thing people say.

In the meantime, please accept my apologies and entertain yourselves with the latest GOOP, in which Gwyneth gets drunk and fucks up her own pizza recipe. It’s good to know even she has her off-weeks.

14 Comments

Filed under GOOP

May 24, 2011 · 2:55 pm

Fuck Duck Bacon

The hoops I’m jumping through to try to purchase some duck bacon have hit ridiculous levels. I bit the bullet and decided to just order some fucking duck bacon from D’Artagnan, figuring I would buy it in bulk and only pay the ridiculous shipping cost once (ideally). I won’t say how much the total came to, because it was NAUSEATING. And then when the time came to pay, I discovered that, for whatever reason, D’Artagnan WON’T ACCEPT EITHER OF MY CARDS.

So now, what do you do when the psychopathic celebrity you’re taking instructions from demands you cook multiple recipes involving a highly specific and rare ingredient that can basically only be found through one company, except that company has decided your bank is not important enough to accept payments from?

I am at a loss. And today, I am hating Gwyneth probably more than I ever have. Who in their right mind authors a cookbook with DUCK BACON, an ingredient almost no one has fucking heard of, as one of the most-used ingredients in the book? It’s just ridiculous. I’ve hit the lowest point of the Project thus far. The duck bacon hunt continues, but not today because I need a fucking break.

This concludes my crankiest blog post yet.

31 Comments

Filed under Gwyneth Miscellania

May 23, 2011 · 11:33 am

Tequila, Coleslaw, and Gwyneth: The Perfect Birthday Weekend

Well, that was a birthday weekend. And somewhere in there, I actually found the time to complete two recipes! They both barely count as recipes, but so does about 50% of this book, so let’s take what we can get.

On Friday, I was let out of work at noon in honor of my birthday, and, not two minutes after leaving the office, I was in a liquor store. Gwyneth DEMANDED that I buy the highest quality tequila, but I wasn’t willing to spend upwards of $60 on a bottle of tequila (arguably my least-favorite liquor), so I got some 1800 and decided that was good enough. Continue reading →

10 Comments

Filed under Desserts, Holidays, Sides

May 20, 2011 · 8:55 am

Mac & Cheese & Birthdays

Looking into various options for duck yesterday had me nervously eyeing my bank account, so I wanted to cook something cheap and easy for dinner. Paging through the cookbook, I realized Gwyneth’s Macaroni & Cheese recipe included mascarpone, which I had a tub of sitting in the fridge from my ravioli disaster. I have no idea what else to do with mascarpone, so this seemed like kismet.

Gwyneth offers up four different ways to cook your Mac & Cheese, but they’re not that different. I mean, three of the four “variations” are just adding a different cheese. Not that exciting. But we’re not going for exciting today; we’re going for CHEAP. I decided to mix two of her “variations,” which she suggest go well together – adding mozzarella, and adding her Basic Tomato Sauce. Which means I’m actually accomplishing two recipes! I really feel like I’m cheating here. Continue reading →

11 Comments

Filed under Basics, Holidays, Pasta

May 19, 2011 · 11:29 am

The Horrors of Duck Bacon

Why oh why did I drink last night?

I’m still nursing a bit of an upper respiratory cold, and I want to enjoy my birthday weekend to the fullest, so obviously in the days before I shouldn’t: A) Exert myself, B) Drink, or C) Stay up late. So what did I do? Worked out, played basketball, and went to a bar. Fantastic.

I also planned on cooking something last night, and that sure didn’t happen. You see, when I returned from work, I was greeted by the delicious smell of chicken. Turns out Danny B. was making Hungarian chicken soup for dinner (it was great, by the way), which meant all dinner responsibilities were thankfully off my plate. But I felt guilty about not having cooked for a while (since Sunday, actually?! Yikes), so I thought I would at least make a side, seeing as I’ve only cooked one of Gwyneth’s side dishes so far. But then I worked out, and then dinner was ready, and then we rushed off to play basketball, and then to Mississippi Pizza Co. to eat pizza and drink and see a super great band, and suddenly my alarm was waking me up and my throat felt a thousand times worse, and I have no one but myself to blame.

So, those are my excuses. But tonight I’ll do some cooking! And tomorrow, seeing as it’s my birthday and all, I’ll be making the only recipe in the cookbook that involves alcohol. And it’s tequila! SCANDALOUS, Gwyneth. Plus, I plan on doing something with duck this weekend.

Christ. So, I’m confident I can find whole ducks and specific duck parts from butchers in Portland, but I’m not so sure about the availability of duck bacon. It seems like a highly specialized item that most places probably wouldn’t bother with, right? Gwyneth recommends D’Artagnan, so I figured I’d use them for just the bacon. And $8.99 isn’t THAT expensive. So I went to order some just now, and was horrified to see the shipping cost added TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS. $34 for a mere 8 ounces of bacon? Fuuuuuck.

Portland people, I need your help: Is there anywhere you know of in the city where I can find duck bacon? Nightmares and empty wallets loom on the horizon.

4 Comments

Filed under Non-Gwyneth