And we’re back! Over Memorial Day weekend, I managed to knock out three recipes, so stay tuned for lots of cooking posts. Today, however, we’re starting with a simple one: Lee’s Homemade Sriracha. This was actually the recipe I was most intrigued by when I first paged through the cookbook (oh, how innocent and naive I was back then), and I had been eagerly awaiting my chance to try it out. Well, Friday was that day. WAS THE WAIT WORTH IT? Read on! Continue reading
Monthly Archives: May 2011
Homemade Sort-of-Sriracha
Filed under Basics
The Fourth Week Slump
Guys, I’ve been awful this week at cooking. Just miserable. I’m sorry. We’re almost at the one-month point, and I’ve hit a wall. I know it’s bad when my friend Ali harasses me to “knock some recipes out,” when I know she doesn’t even CARE about this project. I don’t even have any decent excuses, is the worst part. But that won’t stop me from trying to come up with some: I’m frustrated at the impossibility of locating half the ingredients now that I’ve completed most of the easy recipes; twice this week I’ve come home from work to a roommate cooking something for me, giving me the luxury of not having to do anything; and also I’m just really, really lazy.
I don’t really want to go into the trials and tribulations of duck bacon so much AGAIN, because who wants to read two posts in a row about duck bacon? Let’s just say it’s still not going well, but I will be doing my damndest this weekend to try to hunt some down. Many commenters have suggested settling for pork or even turkey bacon (except for the LUNATIC who suggested I make my own duck bacon – you, sir, are almost as sadistic as Gwyneth). I’m torn on the matter of Bacon Substitution. On the one hand, Gwyneth does say pork and turkey are suitable alternatives to duck bacon. On the other hand, I don’t want to settle. The recipes are written for duck bacon, and I want to try them as close to the original recipes as possible. Plus, let’s admit it, no one wants to read about a guy who goes shopping at one grocery store, gets everything he needs, and makes a mediocre dish. I’m torturing myself for the sake of your entertainment. Or at least that’s what I’ll be screaming from a straightjacket in a couple months.
But the good news is that I finally got my birthday presents from my parents, and it’s a ton of cooking supplies! My mom actually went to Barnes & Noble and wrote down all the “essential tools” Gwyneth lists in the front of her cookbook, thinking she would get me a lot of them, which is awesome. And then, she said, she brought the list to a store, and no one had heard of half of the tools. So now she hates Gwyneth. GO FIGURE. Everything’s fine and dandy when you’re watching her dancing on Glee or accepting Academy Awards, but the second anyone cracks this cookbook, all goodwill flies out the window. The woman is some sort of culinary psychological torture genius.
These are dark, dark days for the Project. We’ll get out of this slump eventually. What’s that old saying? “When you fall off the blog, get back in the kitchen?” Yeah, that sounds like a real thing people say.
In the meantime, please accept my apologies and entertain yourselves with the latest GOOP, in which Gwyneth gets drunk and fucks up her own pizza recipe. It’s good to know even she has her off-weeks.
Filed under GOOP
Fuck Duck Bacon
The hoops I’m jumping through to try to purchase some duck bacon have hit ridiculous levels. I bit the bullet and decided to just order some fucking duck bacon from D’Artagnan, figuring I would buy it in bulk and only pay the ridiculous shipping cost once (ideally). I won’t say how much the total came to, because it was NAUSEATING. And then when the time came to pay, I discovered that, for whatever reason, D’Artagnan WON’T ACCEPT EITHER OF MY CARDS.
So now, what do you do when the psychopathic celebrity you’re taking instructions from demands you cook multiple recipes involving a highly specific and rare ingredient that can basically only be found through one company, except that company has decided your bank is not important enough to accept payments from?
I am at a loss. And today, I am hating Gwyneth probably more than I ever have. Who in their right mind authors a cookbook with DUCK BACON, an ingredient almost no one has fucking heard of, as one of the most-used ingredients in the book? It’s just ridiculous. I’ve hit the lowest point of the Project thus far. The duck bacon hunt continues, but not today because I need a fucking break.
This concludes my crankiest blog post yet.
Filed under Gwyneth Miscellania
Tequila, Coleslaw, and Gwyneth: The Perfect Birthday Weekend
Well, that was a birthday weekend. And somewhere in there, I actually found the time to complete two recipes! They both barely count as recipes, but so does about 50% of this book, so let’s take what we can get.
On Friday, I was let out of work at noon in honor of my birthday, and, not two minutes after leaving the office, I was in a liquor store. Gwyneth DEMANDED that I buy the highest quality tequila, but I wasn’t willing to spend upwards of $60 on a bottle of tequila (arguably my least-favorite liquor), so I got some 1800 and decided that was good enough. Continue reading
Mac & Cheese & Birthdays
Looking into various options for duck yesterday had me nervously eyeing my bank account, so I wanted to cook something cheap and easy for dinner. Paging through the cookbook, I realized Gwyneth’s Macaroni & Cheese recipe included mascarpone, which I had a tub of sitting in the fridge from my ravioli disaster. I have no idea what else to do with mascarpone, so this seemed like kismet.
Gwyneth offers up four different ways to cook your Mac & Cheese, but they’re not that different. I mean, three of the four “variations” are just adding a different cheese. Not that exciting. But we’re not going for exciting today; we’re going for CHEAP. I decided to mix two of her “variations,” which she suggest go well together – adding mozzarella, and adding her Basic Tomato Sauce. Which means I’m actually accomplishing two recipes! I really feel like I’m cheating here. Continue reading
The Horrors of Duck Bacon
Why oh why did I drink last night?
I’m still nursing a bit of an upper respiratory cold, and I want to enjoy my birthday weekend to the fullest, so obviously in the days before I shouldn’t: A) Exert myself, B) Drink, or C) Stay up late. So what did I do? Worked out, played basketball, and went to a bar. Fantastic.
I also planned on cooking something last night, and that sure didn’t happen. You see, when I returned from work, I was greeted by the delicious smell of chicken. Turns out Danny B. was making Hungarian chicken soup for dinner (it was great, by the way), which meant all dinner responsibilities were thankfully off my plate. But I felt guilty about not having cooked for a while (since Sunday, actually?! Yikes), so I thought I would at least make a side, seeing as I’ve only cooked one of Gwyneth’s side dishes so far. But then I worked out, and then dinner was ready, and then we rushed off to play basketball, and then to Mississippi Pizza Co. to eat pizza and drink and see a super great band, and suddenly my alarm was waking me up and my throat felt a thousand times worse, and I have no one but myself to blame.
So, those are my excuses. But tonight I’ll do some cooking! And tomorrow, seeing as it’s my birthday and all, I’ll be making the only recipe in the cookbook that involves alcohol. And it’s tequila! SCANDALOUS, Gwyneth. Plus, I plan on doing something with duck this weekend.
Christ. So, I’m confident I can find whole ducks and specific duck parts from butchers in Portland, but I’m not so sure about the availability of duck bacon. It seems like a highly specialized item that most places probably wouldn’t bother with, right? Gwyneth recommends D’Artagnan, so I figured I’d use them for just the bacon. And $8.99 isn’t THAT expensive. So I went to order some just now, and was horrified to see the shipping cost added TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS. $34 for a mere 8 ounces of bacon? Fuuuuuck.
Portland people, I need your help: Is there anywhere you know of in the city where I can find duck bacon? Nightmares and empty wallets loom on the horizon.
Filed under Non-Gwyneth
The World’s Greatest Gwyneth Quote
These days, everyone sends me Gwyneth Paltrow-related news stories. And there seems to be a lot of it, for whatever reason. We are living in the Age of Gwyneth, and I admit that I have become part of the problem, albeit a much smaller part than the gossip magazines that cover her every move. But this blog is focused on her cookbook, and my efforts to cook every recipe in said cookbook.
I don’t want this to become a gossip site, or a site where we needlessly harass Gwyneth because it’s the cool thing to do these days. So, feel free to send me all the Gwyneth news you want, because a lot of it is hilarious. But I won’t be posting about it unless it’s relevant to whatever I was already talking about.
And then you have days like today, where Gwyneth just LETS LOOSE, and you have to break your own rules.
First up, I woke up to learn that Gwyneth rapped “Straight Outta Compton” for some reason. And Lady Gaga was there? Whatever. And then, a few short hours later, the new GOOP arrived, with tips on spring fashion. “Boring,” I thought. Until I heard that the fashion tips cost a total of over EIGHTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS.
And then, last but certainly not least, my sister pointed me to this article, which contains the single greatest Gwyneth Paltrow quote to date:
“I literally do not have time to bathe let alone start a magazine.”
And that’s why I’m doing what I’m doing, I suppose.
Filed under Gwyneth Miscellania
Blueberry Pavlova, Thank Jehovah!
Gwyneth recommends making Blueberry Pavlova after making fresh pasta, since the recipe calls for egg whites, and you just happen to have a ton of egg whites laying around after your probably disastrous homemade pasta attempts. So, that’s what I did.
The recipe is really simple, and – a rarity for Gwyneth – is made up of mostly things I have around the house (aside from blueberries, which Fred Meyer inexplicably didn’t have stocked, causing me to schlep all the way to Trader Joe’s in the rain). Beat egg whites, salt, and vinegar until “soft peaks” form. Add sugar, cornstarch, and vanilla extract, and whisk until “stiff peaks” form. I didn’t notice a huge difference between “soft” and “stiff” peaks (that’s what she said?), but this was all going on in the middle of my pasta meltdown on Sunday night, so I didn’t really care by this point. Continue reading
Filed under Desserts
Illness, or Pasta Allergies?
When I awoke yesterday morning, my throat was on fire. Great, so now I’m sick. (Or, as roommate Danny B. suggested, I may be allergic to pasta. If anyone were to develop a pasta-specific allergy, it would probably occur after the kind of nonsense I went through on Sunday.) I’ve also completed another recipe, but I spent yesterday afternoon on the couch like an invalid instead of actually writing anything, so you will have to wait until tomorrow to hear what I made. It’s just a dessert, so don’t get your hopes up for anything wild.
Roommate Lindsey made a fantastic Martha Stewart shrimp/coconut/noodle soup last night, and she did it in about 20 minutes, and it was exactly what I needed when I wasn’t feeling well. Martha will always trump Gwyneth, this I know for sure.
In the meantime, dear Gwyneth is reportedly going to be on the cover of Bon Appetit magazine. Well done, Gwyneth! Finally, some publicity.
I’m also currently weighing my options for obtaining duck confit. Gwyneth suggests ordering from D’Artagnan, but 6 pieces will run me $45, which is nausea-inducing. I’m pretty sure I know of at least one really good butcher’s shop in Portland that offers duck confit, so I’ll have to give them a call and shop around. I’m also going to be needing at least two or three more whole duck carcasses, so I may as well get friendly with my local duck butchers.
There’s also the option of attempting to make my own duck confit, which would be hilarious and probably turn out awful. Who knows if I’m crazy enough to try it.
As for today, I’m just going to drink a lot of tea.
Filed under Non-Gwyneth
Homemade Ravioli: A Comedy of Errors in Three Acts
In the course of this project, I’ve already had my ups (chili) and downs (6-hour pizza, burned stir-fry). If I had to rate “My Father’s Daughter” yesterday morning, I would have given it a 7 out of 10. Not bad, for a movie star’s cookbook! But if you had asked me again to rate the book last night, after a day spent in the kitchen, I would have attempted to shove the entire cookbook down your throat. Continue reading
Filed under Pasta
The Danny/Gwyneth Project 