A BLT Recipe? A BLT Recipe.

Oh boy, have I fallen behind on blogging. But not cooking! Fear not! So let’s do some catch-up. I made a big meal on Saturday for friends, but that’s going to be a much longer, more-involved post, so in the meantime, let’s just get Turkey BLTs out of the way.

Really, this recipe is a perfect example of the idiocy of this cookbook. What is this nonsense? Why is it in a cookbook? Do people really not know how to make BLTs and they need Gwyneth Paltrow to tell them? The recipe for a BLT is almost literally the entire name of the sandwich. Tell any halfwit “please make me a turkey BLT” and you will get a rough approximation of this recipe. Here’s what I mean:

Fry some turkey bacon. Take some bread, slather both slices with Vegenaise. Cover one slice of bread with arugula. Drizzle a little olive oil on the arugula, as well as some salt and freshly ground black pepper. (The Vegenaise, arugula, and olive oil are the VERY slight changes Gwyneth has made to the classic BLT to try to trick you into thinking this is a real recipe she worked hard on. Don’t fall for it; this is all a joke.) On top of that, layer a couple slices of fresh tomato. Drain the bacon, put it on the tomatoes, close the sandwich with the other slice of bread.

This is what lettuce, mayo, and tomato look like on top of bread.

As you can see, our toaster is wonderful at ignoring 98% of the bread, but making sure one corner is perfectly charred black.

There. You made a BLT. Congratulations! You must feel so proud! I remember when I made BLTs for lunch back in elementary school, all by myself! Without Gwyneth Paltrow’s help! Yes, this is healthier than a classic BLT, what with the Vegenaise and the turkey bacon, but that doesn’t mean it deserves its own page in a highly publicized cookbook. What is this? Why did any of us waste our time with this?

Thankfully, the next recipes are just that: actual recipes. In this book?! I AM GENUINELY SURPRISED.